Confessions of a Car Buyer

I bought a new car about eight months ago. My last car, a Chevy Trailblazer, had passed the 100k mile marker and was breaking down about once a month, requiring me to call a tow-truck, requiring me to have work done on it (about $500-$1000 a month). It was time.

To make a long story short: Buying a new car is often a horrible experience for everyone. But buying a new car is especially horrible if you're six-foot-eight. You see, as it turns out, most new cars are not designed with six-foot-eight human beings in mind. Why? I have no idea. Is it a cost-cutting issue? Is it a lack of awareness? Are there not enough tall people designing automobiles?

Allow me to take you on the abridged journey of my recent car-buying experience, in the approximate order in which I sat in and/or test drove them:

1. Toyota Yaris, 2-door: Tiny little thing. I really like these cars. They remind me of the French Renault Twingo, one of my all-time favorites. I actually sort of fit in this car. As it turns out, the size of an automobile has NOTHING to do with how much leg room it has in the driver's seat. It's hard for some people to wrap their heads around this (especially car salesmen, oddly). The problem with this car is you would die if someone hit you with their shopping cart. Safety first! No go with the Yaris.

2. Toyota Prius: 9-months ago this seemed like the no-brainer new car to buy. I put my name on a waiting list at the local dealer and waited. When it finally arrived I went to drive it and found that the gear shift thingy juts out exactly where my knee cap goes. Not comfortable. In fact, I found myself sitting in a really tense, awkward position in the hopes of not pushing my knee completely into this sharp piece of plastic. If I bought the car, I imagined myself, after several years, of having a deformed body, my gait having been entirely reordered due to this one ill-placed control stick. Thanks, Toyota, you fucking prick.

3. Honda Fit: Cool car. Also, kind of like a sarcophogous. I fit in the Fit but I felt genuinely claustrophobic. Not a good feeling driving off the lot.






4. Toyota Camry: Back to Toyota. I fit comfortably in the Camry with lots of room to spare. But the Camry's for old people and even old people know it. Still, a totally reasonable car. Nothing wrong with it. Except it's stupid and ugly and I don't live in Florida. Let me put it this way: If I had kidney problems, was a war vet, retired, and living in Florida with my third wife this would be my car. I don't know why but it's true.

5. Subaru Outback: Too small.






6. Subaru Forester: I bought this car. Then I turned around and sold it. For exactly what I payed for it. It's a long story. Let me just say: this is an awesome car. When I drove it to the beach with my girlfriend and mom the week after I bought it I could barely walk when I got out. My legs just fit in such a way that I lost all circulation to my feet when I drove this car. I know this sounds stupid but how do you think I felt?

7. Audi A3: Super cool car. I test drove this car about 70 times. I think the Audi people genuinely started to worry when they saw me coming. But finally it was a bit too small. Just a bit too tight. But close.



And then I sat in and drove about a dozen other cars: Ford Fusion (big enough, but ugly), used Mercedes, used BMWs, used Audis, second trip to the Honda Fit (still too tight), second trip to the Prius (still with the gear shift in my knee), Volkswagon Jetta Sportwagon (could have bought it...big, nice...), Mazda (all models way too small), the sporty 2-door Volvo...and about a dozen other cars. I can't remember them all anymore and frankly I don't want to. So, what did I buy?

Nth. Audi A4: Fits great. The Germans know how to make cars for tall people. Why? They're the fucking Teutons, that's why. It's the best car I've ever driven. It's way more than I wanted to spend but.... I'm not complaining. But what the fuck, car makers? What, like it's so fucking hard to design a simple, moderately priced car that a tall fucking man can fit in? I'm sorry, it can't possibly be that hard.

By the way, if you didn't already know: Ergonomics is Social Control. Tell a friend.